This is especially true when a naked woman is standing in front of us. Because come on, is there anything more amazing or life-affirming than a woman without clothes on? It's like we won the lottery every time it happens!
Seeing a woman in all her naked glory does something weird to our respective brains. It mucks up the wiring, clogs the connection between our frontal lobes and our mouths. When a woman takes off her clothes and lets us stay in the room, we are no longer, as they say in the last will and testament business, “of sound mind.”
The following 145 things are—and we cannot emphasis this point enough—things you should not say when there’s a naked woman in front of you, waiting for some kind of reaction that affirms she made the right decision in letting you get the full show.
Let's say that again, together. These are things you won’t ever, ever, ever say to her if she’s wearing only a smile, and she knows you're looking at her, and she’s not currently dialing 911. This is your big chance to not be a moron! Don't blow it!
You want to say something nice? Try one of The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman. Or maybe she’s not naked yet but you’re hoping she'll be naked in the near future. Sample any of these 10 Things to Say to Get Her Naked…Right Now. But these things, the things you’re about to read, these are the things you shouldn’t say. If any of them pop into your head when you’re in an intimate moment with a woman not wearing clothes, think back on this list and go, ”Oh yeah, Men's Health told me not to say that. Guess I'll keep my word-hole shut.” You're welcome!
(Additional material provided by Sage Boggs, Dan Burt, Alison Bonaguro, Carrie Borzillo, Corey Levitan, Ben Tanzer, and Eric Spitznagel.)
1. I see your boobies.
2. I think it’s sexiest when you’re not quite all the way naked. It keeps the mystery alive.
3. I got an Uber coming in 10 minutes.
4. Here comes the daddy train, choo-chooing into your mommy hole!
5. Let’s just cuddle.
6. Your sister got the good ass.
7. Now wait, I put this where?
8. Oh. I thought you were going to look different.
9. I see by the pubes you’re a feminist.
10. Booyah! We have liftoff.
11. Are these fake? 'Cause they feel fake.
12. You know who's sexy? Our kids' teacher.
13. Fuck the media’s idealized vision of feminine beauty—I think it’s so great how you own your own sexuality.
14. I bet that Ruth Bader Ginsburg is a demon in the sack.
15. You may want to have that looked at.
16. Are you out of moisturizer?
17. Whoa there Nelly!
18. I brought batteries.
19. Just keep your arms up so they look perky.
20. I feel like a piece of meat.
21. How many kids have you had?
22. Well, I guess so since we're both here.
23. Would you mind if I just pulled up a picture of an ex on my phone?
24. I don't think the invisibility potion worked.
25. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
26. Bet you can do a heck of a cannonball!
27. What do you expect? You're not 18 anymore.
28. I bet you'd look swell in a dickie!
29. You look like a reader.
30. Is there anything they can do for that?
31. The carpet does match the drapes, and both need a shampoo.
32. When I told you your blouse looked great, but it would look better on my bedroom floor... it also looked really great on you.
33. There’s no way all of those are freckles.
34. More like hairy-olas.
35. You have a very sexy voice is what threw me.
36. Gary! Did Gary put you up to this?
37. So that’s what was under the Spanx.
38. Have you lost weight? Because your tits look smaller.
39. Have you gained weight? Because your tits look huge.
40. You look cold, do you want to borrow my jacket?
41. Can I take your picture? My wife is never gonna believe this happened to me.
42. Mom, boundaries.
43. I thought you were going to start doing more planks.
44. Here comes my dick in 5, 4, 3, 2... oh never mind, it’s gone again.
45. Is that a rash?
46. You’re big in all the right places.
47. It doesn’t matter what you look like when my eyes are closed.
48. Of course your nipples are different sizes. They're sisters, not twins.
49. Is that the trend in bushes now, or do you just not care anymore?
50. Well aren't you a healthy thing!
51. I like the right boob better.
52. I like that you’re squishy.
53. You are so hot in a MILF kinda way.
54. Why is your neck skin so weird?
55. I think I’ll go golfing with the guys this weekend.
56. Does your vagina speak Portuguese?
57. I never see you at the gym anymore, do I?
58. Do you mind being less pale? The glare is making it hard to read.
59. My brother is downstairs and he’s going to stay with us for a while. Cool?
60. Are you available for conjugal visits starting in about 45 days?
61. I'm STD-free. They test me every two weeks.
62. Is that a squirrel you’re sitting on?
63. This totally reminds me of that scene in Dune, when Muad'dib learns that his name is a “killing word.”
64. Do you mind putting a towel down if you’re going to sit there?
65. Does it get sweaty under those?
66. Good for you! You’re so brave!
67. I hate the way the media portrays women as all thin and sexy. I like real women like you.
68. Do you know that Sir Mix-a-lot song?
69. Well, I’m no prize either.
70. Who needs 72 virgins in the afterlife when I've got a hot potato like you?
71. Yes! Now all my friends owe me ten bucks!
72. Let me paint you.
73. Okay, I’m young Obi-Wan, and you’re an enraged Wookiee.
74. Don’t sit on that, it’s old.
75. You carry yourself well.
76. Is that a henna tattoo or a stretch mark?
77. Guess I’ll be on top.
78. Feel free to use anything from my bathroom—towels, moisturizer, deodorant, shaving stuff…
79. Why were you playing so hard to get?
80. You remind me of my mother.
81. You remind me of my sister.
82. You remind me of my brother.
83. Do you want to take a quick shower?
84. No,, that wasn’t about you. I just happened to be thinking about my 401k at that same instant is why I made that face. It’s in the shitter.
85. You know what might be hot? Blindfolds!
86. I just can’t stop looking at your underwear on the floor there. I’ve never seen a pair of panties look so… exhausted.
87. Do you like board-games?
88. Wanna watch TV?
89. I just remembered I have chlamydia.
90. It just hit me who you remind me of. Bea Arthur.
91. You sure you wouldn’t be more comfortable in a robe or a cab?
92. You’re like a painting; that one by Picasso.
93. This is not going to help my self-esteem issues.
94. I appreciate your effort.
95. You’ve got some real potential there.
96. I just remembered that I am married.
97. Is that contagious?
98. Were you always a woman?
99. You look familiar. Do you model for JC Penny’s underwear ads? Because I think I’ve whacked off to you recently.
100. Jesus, how much do you bench?
101. Can you come over here instead? I think that's a school across the street and I could be within 500 feet on that side of the room.
102. So we can agree there’s nothing hotter than a clown, right? A sex clown? Where are you going?
103. Even your curves have curves.
104. You have curves and cul-de-sacs.
105. What can I say, I'm a hugger! Come on; bring it in!
106. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...
107. Yeah, yeah, whatever. What's your wifi password?
108. You’re totally hotter than an Orion slave girl from Protos VI.
109. Do you smell something funny?
110. You never want to talk anymore.
111. Your fly is open.
112. Girl, you got a vitamin D deficiency? I have what you need... in my pants! Seriously, new bottle, never opened.
113. I went hillbilly hand fishing naked once. Never make that mistake again.
114. Man, I’d hide in your hamper and watch you bathe all day.
115. Do you have a used loofa you're thinking about getting rid of?
116. Maybe you’d be more comfortable in this slanket?
117. You look like a model. From the Renaissance.
118. My friends think I’m such a freak, but you’re perfectly my type.
119. No, I’m laughing at a thing I just remembered. No, I can’t tell you.
120. Guess I’m gonna need the blue pills.
121. I can see your dildo hole.
122. I'm fat too, don’t worry.
123. Be right back, I have to take a quick crap.
124. Did your belly button always look like that?
125. Wow. You have a good bra, really holds them up.
126. You have a really nice… face.
127. Are you sure you’re comfortable in that?
128. Let’s agree not to tell our friends about this.
129. I need a little Garth Brooks to get me in the mood.
130. To be safe, let me show you the Heimlich in case you need to save a life.
131. You ever get a backache carrying those things around?
132. Have you considered the parable of Plato's cave? The idea is that our perceptions are limited, and we only receive reality as shadows on a cave wall, with the truth of the world hidden from our view. Let us ponder this philosophical question for a while.
133. I would not want to have your baby powder bill.
134. Let me stand behind you and show you how to toss a horseshoe.
135. So, airing out the fun hatch?
136. Can you turn around? I’m trying to find a good angle for my mental spank bank.
137. You look good now, it's shame after kids all that is gonna fall.
138. So how rough do you want it, baby? Klingon hard or Dothraki hard?
139. Did you just pee?
140. Let me show you my puppets!
141. Kettlebells will tighten that shit up.
142. Do you mind if my roommate watches?
143. How much?
144. My ex used to do that.
145. Well, no matter what, I’d still bang you.
...............
Article source: http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/never-say-this-to-a-naked-woman
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