By Cari Wira Dineen, REDBOOK.
You've maxed out the credit cards and you're the only one who sees the bills every month.
"Secretly spending and trying to hide the purchases is a big indicator that there's not a lot of trust in your relationship," says Ian Kerner, a relationship expert and author of Passionista. Try to figure out why you're not disclosing what you buy: Do you feel that your decisions are being ridiculed? Does your husband tend to control the majority of the money or your relationship overall? Or do you have a problem with compulsive spending? Then, come clean. Explain that you know you spent too much, but that there's a reason you didn't share--for example, you haven't felt comfortable expressing your needs in general recently. Use this mistake as an opportunity to get on the same page about not just money, but also about how to effectively communicate and stand by your wants and needs. Kerner then suggests devising a budget in which you both allocate funds for personal discretionary spending, which will help set you up as financial equals. And make an agreement that any time you're considering making a purchase over a set amount, say $100, you'll discuss it with each other before you plunk down your credit card.
"Secretly spending and trying to hide the purchases is a big indicator that there's not a lot of trust in your relationship," says Ian Kerner, a relationship expert and author of Passionista. Try to figure out why you're not disclosing what you buy: Do you feel that your decisions are being ridiculed? Does your husband tend to control the majority of the money or your relationship overall? Or do you have a problem with compulsive spending? Then, come clean. Explain that you know you spent too much, but that there's a reason you didn't share--for example, you haven't felt comfortable expressing your needs in general recently. Use this mistake as an opportunity to get on the same page about not just money, but also about how to effectively communicate and stand by your wants and needs. Kerner then suggests devising a budget in which you both allocate funds for personal discretionary spending, which will help set you up as financial equals. And make an agreement that any time you're considering making a purchase over a set amount, say $100, you'll discuss it with each other before you plunk down your credit card.
You've been sexually unsatisfied... for a while. Telling your hubs that you've been faking it since giving birth six months ago would downright devastate him. Since he likely thinks he's been doing a great job, avoid throwing grenade into your relationship and instead approach him with a new fantasy that you'd like try. "Have a vision about what would excite you and then present the sexy wish," says Kerner. Suggest using a vibrator together, trying a new position, or simply locking your bedroom door if you're worried about the kids and having a hard time concentrating. It's natural that passion ebbs and flows in a relationship--and just because it's on the low-end right now doesn't mean that situation's permanent.
You confided in one of the kids about something you should have told your man only. You and your husband had a disagreement. Instead of letting bygones be bygones, you make a derogatory comment about him behind his back--to your kid. And this may not be the first time you've bashed your man in front of your children. "Forming alliances with your kids not only creates a wedge in your marriage, but it can also cause anxiety for kids, who you're burdening with issues that they shouldn't have to know about and simply can't handle," says Kerner. The best way to resolve the situation is to open up a three-way conversation. Tell your husband what you've been up to and that you recognize it's a problem. Then have a conversation with your kid letting them know that dumping on their dad was a mistake and that it won't happen again. Either on your own or with the help of a therapist, try to figure out the root of your negative emotions, and work to tell your husband--not another person outside of your marriage--when you're angry with him.
You've been pouring a glass or two before the kids and your hubby get home a lot lately. It's one thing to go out with some of your friends and have a couple of cocktails, but if you're drinking to self-soothe, there's a good chance you might have a problem. "Drinking and hiding it is a classic pattern of substance abuse," says Kerner. If you think an issue is starting to develop, talk through your concerns with your husband. Are you lonely or bored with parenthood? Do you need to change your career?" Assure him that you're asking for his help because you don't like what's happening," says Kerner. If opening up about the problem alone isn't prompting you to cut back, Alcoholics Anonymous can help figure out next steps.
Something he said in that last argument really did matter--and you didn't say anything. Now you feel like you've been hiding feelings of resentment.
It started as a fight about who should come home to relieve the babysitter and ended in you both taking a couple of cheap shots. But the mud he slung is still smarting-and every time you think about it, your blood boils. Over time, bottling up your emotions creates resentment, which can lead to feeling perpetually angry with your partner. Ultimately, if you don't express yourself, you'll just lash out at each other and say hurtful things that you really don't mean. "It's not bad to argue-fighting is a form of communication-but you have to be constructive," says Kerner. "As a couple, you need to learn how to complain about solvable problems instead of criticizing each other." Start by fessing up to why you're still upset and work to clear the air. Then move on by developing guidelines for how to argue more productively, such as instigating a no-name-calling rule.
It started as a fight about who should come home to relieve the babysitter and ended in you both taking a couple of cheap shots. But the mud he slung is still smarting-and every time you think about it, your blood boils. Over time, bottling up your emotions creates resentment, which can lead to feeling perpetually angry with your partner. Ultimately, if you don't express yourself, you'll just lash out at each other and say hurtful things that you really don't mean. "It's not bad to argue-fighting is a form of communication-but you have to be constructive," says Kerner. "As a couple, you need to learn how to complain about solvable problems instead of criticizing each other." Start by fessing up to why you're still upset and work to clear the air. Then move on by developing guidelines for how to argue more productively, such as instigating a no-name-calling rule.
Something from your past has come to haunt you, and it was so long ago that you never clued him in.
Some not-so-classy pictures from a spring-break fling have found their way onto Facebook. Or that time you got arrested in college all of a sudden popped up on a Google search of your name. It's not easy, but it's better to fill your husband in before he discovers this stuff on his own. "When you don't share your past experiences as they come up, you miss an opportunity to get your partner's support and feel closer," says Sue Johnson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming bookLove Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Say something like, "It's hard to tell you this, but I've recently been reminded of something happened a long time ago, and it's really bothering me. Can you listen to the story?"
Some not-so-classy pictures from a spring-break fling have found their way onto Facebook. Or that time you got arrested in college all of a sudden popped up on a Google search of your name. It's not easy, but it's better to fill your husband in before he discovers this stuff on his own. "When you don't share your past experiences as they come up, you miss an opportunity to get your partner's support and feel closer," says Sue Johnson, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and author of the upcoming bookLove Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Say something like, "It's hard to tell you this, but I've recently been reminded of something happened a long time ago, and it's really bothering me. Can you listen to the story?"
Your diet has gotten really extreme. You know it's not a good idea, but hey, you are losing weight.
"We usually get 'extreme' in response to stress-which is just the time when you should turn to someone you love for support," says Johnson. "They can help us find our emotional balance." Since food issues are potentially damaging to those around you too, you shouldn't face them alone. "While it might seem like handling it on your own is the responsible thing to do, your partner is likely to become hurt and angry that you didn't share or confide in him," adds Johnson. She suggests broaching the subject by saying, "I have been restricting myself around food a lot, and this seems to have a life of its own now. I'm worried that I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need to share it with you." But if you suspect you have or may be developing an eating disorder, merely speaking with a loved one isn't going to fix things. Consider getting professional help by contacting the National Eating Disorders Association.
You've started to feel down... way down.
"Depression interferes with your ability to engage with others and tune into them," says Johnson. "It will definitely affect your ability to be a really loving parent or partner. But we've found in couples therapy that an important step in coming out of depression is connecting with your partner." So tell your husband that you've been sinking into a bad place, and that you don't know what to do about it. Share your fear surrounding talking about your feelings-that it's scary because you don't want your guy to think less of you or see you as someone who can't cope. "In the best relationships, people don't have to be perfect-but they do have to be present," says Johnson. And that's hard to do if you're hiding your feelings of vulnerability. While it's important to tell your man if you've been down in the dumps, it's vital to seek professional help if the black cloud doesn't seem to lift on its own. Find a therapist through the American Psychological Association.
"We usually get 'extreme' in response to stress-which is just the time when you should turn to someone you love for support," says Johnson. "They can help us find our emotional balance." Since food issues are potentially damaging to those around you too, you shouldn't face them alone. "While it might seem like handling it on your own is the responsible thing to do, your partner is likely to become hurt and angry that you didn't share or confide in him," adds Johnson. She suggests broaching the subject by saying, "I have been restricting myself around food a lot, and this seems to have a life of its own now. I'm worried that I don't know what to do. Maybe I just need to share it with you." But if you suspect you have or may be developing an eating disorder, merely speaking with a loved one isn't going to fix things. Consider getting professional help by contacting the National Eating Disorders Association.
You've started to feel down... way down.
"Depression interferes with your ability to engage with others and tune into them," says Johnson. "It will definitely affect your ability to be a really loving parent or partner. But we've found in couples therapy that an important step in coming out of depression is connecting with your partner." So tell your husband that you've been sinking into a bad place, and that you don't know what to do about it. Share your fear surrounding talking about your feelings-that it's scary because you don't want your guy to think less of you or see you as someone who can't cope. "In the best relationships, people don't have to be perfect-but they do have to be present," says Johnson. And that's hard to do if you're hiding your feelings of vulnerability. While it's important to tell your man if you've been down in the dumps, it's vital to seek professional help if the black cloud doesn't seem to lift on its own. Find a therapist through the American Psychological Association.
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